This is the post excerpt.
Today I miss my beloved Gennadiy and both parents so very much. They are all gone from this reality. I said that as if there is another one I hope to be privileged to visit if not live there. Just to see them one more time. Say I love you one more time. I can’t say that I miss them more than normal. But then again, with the coming holiday season I do miss them more than normal. What is normal these days for me? My physical pain is less than the days immediately following their deaths. But that is relative. Once a beloved has died, the normal reference to time changes dramatically. Time not only stands still but it runs ram-pit as well. Each second is an eternity and each year is a second. We, the left behind, can only continue to move in the general direction of ‘forward’ one second or year at a time. Damn it all!!! Oh well. This is my new life. Just wish that I had understood what I had before this new normal set in.
I miss Gennadiy every day. But milestones like today, our wedding anniversary, are the most difficult. Then throw in that it is Valentine’s Day, well let the tears flow. That is it. Simple yet so not simple. Although five years and about two months out I still grieve for my missing partner. An almost mortal blow must never really heal, never. We must just be, be there for our family and for our true friends even when we don’t feel the being there for ourselves. We, the ones left behind, keep breathing keeping up the physical appearance for others. But we know that this is only a shell of what once was.
PS…if you have a friend that has lost a partner please do not spout the life goes on type of platitudes. Even if they don’t tell you outright, these type of words are useless. They will let your friend know that you absolutely do not understand what they are feeling. If you don’t know what to say, just tell them you love them. Just be there for them. Just listen without a verbal response. Just hug them.
A friend of 35 plus years just died on January 22nd. He was an amazing person. He truly lived to help others. I never knew anyone like him. He denied himself things he needed as seemed to always know of others that needed it more. He championed the homeless, children at risk, the hardest of criminals with life in prison, women at risk and so much more. He just did so much in a short lifetime on this earth. He truly cared for humanity with a clear and good heart. His name was Robert ‘Bob’ Marcus Bull. An amazing human that the water will never backfill the hole he left. Today I found out that another friend had died. Maybe not so altruistic as Bob but still a good man. As one grows older friends start to leave this realm. We see the pain of life at a depth no one really should see, ever. Some are misfortunate as to know this when young. Some never know anything but this. If you are at a point in life where death has not struck you in a close relationship go out and enjoy life, live and forget the small insults. Forget the disagreements and arguments over silly things like leaving the cap off of the toothpaste or who forgot what. It is noting but stupidity to argue over little shit like that. One day you will know what a real insult to ones being is. The kind that never leaves your soul. The ones that are final, of death. Get out there and hug your friends. Look deeply into your beloveds eyes and tell them how much you love them. Hug strongly, kiss deeply and live life to the fullest.
Gennadiy absolutely loved all the trappings of Christmas. Especially the decorations. I have not put any up since he died but tonight I do have a fire going. He also loved a good fire. We planned on placing stone over the painted brick fireplace in our home but did not do in in time. Tonight I have the newly stoned fireplace going and missing him so damned much. He would have been sitting next to it poking the wood and making sure it kept burning. I could cry and ask why, but we all go through this at one time of another in our life. There is no why. There just is. And it hurts so fucking much as anyone that has lost a partner or other extremely close loved one knows.
Today marks five years. Five years without building new memories. Five years without touching my Genna. Five fucking years. Drop arguing over the little shit that may drive you nuts at the moment. My only advice it to try and remember the butterflies that you feel when recalling the love of your partner and forget the little arguments. Remember the love. Limit the should have, would have, could haves now. They will haunt you the rest of your life. Act now and forget the small stuff. It really is insignificant in the long run.
I was watching Blackish, a sitcom that tackles family life, being black in the US and cultural differences among a few. This one was a tribute to Prince. His music covered so much. So very much. As I get older, with the deep pain of loss just under the surface, I find that my empathy level has increased. When I see suffering from physical pain, loss of loved ones or pain inflicted by intolerance on others my heart sinks. Blackish brought forth all of those issues tonight through Prince’s music. I have always liked him but never really thought about just how much he spoke to us all. He is so worth the listen. The research to find what each song was addressing. The willing to find the depth of thought in his words.
To give our beloveds things away, it is as if we are letting them go one piece at a time. I know how this feels, those that have lost know how this feels. Even though I know that the person receiving xxx truly appreciates what they have received, another piece is gone. I have finally let a few of my husbands things go to friends. They knew and loved him. They will take special care of what they have. I know it’s for the best, but still… We do what we can and when we can. My beloved Gennadiy was a very caring and giving man. He always did what he could to help others. Forever carrying spare bills to give to the homeless or others in need at a moments notice. Never seeing past anyone for convince sake. I know what I have given he would give. That is where I find the comfort I can. He would do this and more. I miss the me he helped me to become. I miss him and his gentle being. I ‘simply’ miss the us that was when he was here.
My beloved Gennadiy, me and friends out on his new boat. I could not help but bite his ear as a joke. He laughed about it and made a silly comment that had our guest laughing. I wish I could remember it but I can’t recall. So much wish I could. All of the details are lost in my memory to hopefully reemerge someday. When I unexpectedly ran across this photo my heart broke into even smaller pieces than before. The unexpected hits on a semi regular basis. Do those hurt worse than the expected? Yes and no. It is according to what is going on, what anniversary he will miss where I desperately miss him is coming and where my mind is at the time. One can never plan for these. The emotions these events invoke are dependent on so much that isn’t planned for. Never tell someone you know that has lost their partner to get over it and move on. You think of their loss here and there. They are involved with their loss 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. It takes much longer than the professionals say, than you would hope for your friend and than the bereaved themselves would think at first. Only after living with it and finding others that have can we, the lost, can even begin to understand how long it may take. You may see calm and some smiles on their faces but don’t let that deceive you. The turmoil and pain that lies beneath the faces facade are known only to the owner of that face. Be gentle with those you love that has suffered a close loss. One never ever knows what is really going on even when they respond with an ok to the question how are you doing. So many of us lie, just say ok to those questions as we know that to tell the truth makes others uncomfortable. We lie to avoid the tears that will flow from us if we answer honestly. We lie in order to not become more vulnerable than we already are. Maybe just be there for them without a fuss. Give them a big hug. Never try to change the subject if they want to talk about their loss just because you may become uncomfortable. Let them talk. Share your memories of their beloved with them. Hug them. Be there for them.